reasons for infinite self loathing.

found this in my drafts and decided to update it & post it. not sure what possessed me to create this, but current me supports past me, so here we are. share yours so I feel like less of a crazy person.
  1. when you put yourself in bed early because you are BEYOND exhausted and then you proceed to spend way too much time on the Internet. and as a result you're going to be exhausted another day in a row.
    this just seems like it is first and foremost right now.
  2. being afraid to love and be loved to the point that you sabotage yourself (and your relationship).
    I would do anything to take it all back but I can't and it keeps me up at night. it is the greatest cause of self-disdain.
  3. when you hold grudges or stay angry.
    not worth it. makes you miserable. makes them miserable. ruins something that doesn't need to be ruined. because of pride or fights or a bunch of shit that really doesn't fucking matter but the damage is done and you can't fix it no matter how much you want to.
  4. when you say something and you just immediately realize what an idiot you sound like.
    there is literally no way most people remember or care about the dumb things I've said over time, but looking back on them will still cause self loathing from time to time.
  5. when something you write comes back to haunt you.
    from things I wrote on livejournal in 2002 to things that I wrote on Twitter in 2009 to things I wrote on list app in 2015, sometimes I just really hate myself. or at least my past self.
  6. when you want to say or do something, but you hesitate because you think you have all of the time in the world, only to be hit with the realization that the opportunity is no longer possible and you will literally never be able to do/say what you wanted to.
  7. when you do something so dumb and there's like, no way to undo the damage. and it haunts you in a tangible way.
    like backing my old car up into a few poles in garages (because I don't learn from my mistakes) and it costs so much money to fix and you're just like "FUCK WHY DID I DO THAT?!"
  8. when you assume that because you're nice to people that they'll be nice to you and then you realize that you're too nice and that people think it's okay to walk all over you.
    in all fairness, I shouldn't feel bad about myself for being nice. maybe I just hate that I'm too dumb / oblivious to know when to know that someone will never be as good to me as I am to them.
  9. when you can't forgive yourself for things you know you should forgive yourself for.
    I loathe myself for not being able to stop being hard on myself. it feels like some sick irony.
  10. when you force yourself to do things or go places that you don't want to.
    and then you get to the place or do the thing and you're just like WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?
  11. when you drink too much.
    haven't done this in a while because occasionally I learn from self loathing but also because I spend most of my nights on a tour bus and not much sounds worse than having to throw up on a moving bus.
  12. when you nod your head yes but you want to say no.
    #bieber. but all joking aside, it can be hard for me to say no, so sometimes I say yes when I want to say no and I fucking hate myself for it.
  13. when you've had enough but you don't give up / let go.
    why do we do this to ourselves?! letting go of people and jobs and things that are bad for you is SO GOOD FOR YOU. and it's scary to do it but if you don't you're just going to hate yourself for not being strong enough to take the leap.
  14. When you don't believe in yourself enough to try anything, ever
    Or maybe you're lazy. Alt: when you're just lazy.
    Suggested by   @katilette