thoughts after/about leaving paris seven hours before the attacks...

I just wrapped up a European tour and decided to add on a 10 day personal trip with friends because why not? we left Paris late Friday morning for Rome. we wanted to stay in Paris another day, but we decided to go on to Rome.
  1. what the fuck is happening?
    we were on a train from Paris to Rome and my phone started going off. my uncle was with my grandma and he texted me that she was shaking because they knew I had been in Paris. I was just waking up from a nap and I couldn't quite comprehend what was happening. slowly started getting more texts, but still didn't have full comprehension of what was going on for a little while.
  2. do I want to look at the news?
    this is so naive, I know, but having woken up in Paris that morning and having a member of the band still in Paris a block away from the attacks, I didn't know how much information I could digest.
  3. holy shit.
  4. it could've been us.
    we JUST finished a European tour. I had just been in Paris that fucking morning. the guys I was with wanted to stay in town and go to the show at the Bataclan. I wanted to stay in Paris because it is one of the most magical cities ever. there were so many little decisions we made that led us away from being there that night, coupled with the attackers decision to attack on a random Friday night and not Armistice Day (TWO days prior when we went to another show)... it could've been us.
  5. thank God that we left Paris.
    I don't know if I believe in God but I know that I was thanking someone that we weren't there that night.
  6. am I safe here? is there a risk of more attacks?
    every time a siren has gone off in Rome or Barcelona, sheer panic has set in.
  7. their merch manager was killed in the attacks. I brought out an old friend who I last toured with 7 years ago to do our tour. if anything had happened to her, I never would've forgiven myself for hiring her.
  8. how could this happen at a show?
    I work in the music industry and I currently tour manage for a living. my entire existence is in venues like the Bataclan. would my band and crew have been safe if it were our show? what security measures can I take in the future to ensure that we have exit strategies? what can we do to better protect our crowds? are we safe to do our jobs?
  9. holy shit.
  10. is this somehow on par with the stories of people taking later trains or skipping work on 9/11? we just narrowly made the decision to leave Paris that morning. how in the fuck did we get so lucky to make that decision?
    I told the boys that morning that I really wanted one more night in Paris. the travel between Paris and Rome was the only one we hadn't booked in advance. we booked it the day before we traveled because we kept leaving Paris open ended.
  11. would I have made it through?
    i read an account of a girl who pretended to be dead for over an hour to protect herself. I'd love to think that id have been able to think like her and save my own life, but I just have no idea how i'd react in that situation.
  12. how could something so terrible happen to such a beautiful city? how could something so terrible happen in general?
    I fell in love with Paris. I felt so safe and carefree the nights leading up to the attacks. I can't wrap my head around what happened. I can't wrap my head around how cruel people are.
  13. we stumbled on the French embassy in Rome and so many people had gathered to pray and leave flowers and show their support for France and again, I just kept thinking, "it could've been us they're crying/praying over"
    seeing everyone gathered made everything feel so much more real, and then it hit me that most of these people were there in honor of people they never knew and how I could've been the name in the paper, the face on the news.
  14. what the fuck am I doing with my life?
  15. I just.
    I don't know. I'm still sort of not digesting this whole thing. it's weird and crazy and I've felt sort of dazed. the music industry lost a few great people and the world lost even more. it breaks my heart that this kind of thing exists and it terrifies me how close we were to it.
  16. still digesting so much. will continue to update this, I'm sure.