APPLES, RANKED

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  1. 1.
    Honeycrisp
    Honeycrisp apples are sent from the heavens above and I know that because they were invented by scientists in a lab who sought to make the most perfect-tasting apple in all the land, an apple to rule them all!!!! That crunchy skin! The instant flavor explosion of deliciously tart sweetness! Honeycrisp apples are also the best because their name denotes their taste!!! Like what the fuck is a Granny Smith? How about a Fuji? A Honeycrisp tastes like crisp honey and my God it's glorious!
  2. 2.
    McIntosh
    McIntosh apples are transcendent. One bit and all of a sudden you've got a movie in your mouth. New England fall. Sweaters. Crisp air. Orchards. Cider. Hay. Maybe a faint whiff of manure. Peals of laughter. Cold nights. The best sleep of your life. Eating apples right from the tree. Beautiful.
  3. 3.
    Gala
    Neither Honeycrisp or McIntosh apples are always available. In fact I don't think I've ever seen a McIntosh in California which kinda sucks but that's where we say yes oh yes thank goodness for Gala apples they are always delicious and satisfying and readily available and you need an apple you can depend on. That's where Galas come in. Also delicious with peanut butter.
  4. 4.
    Pink Lady
    Wish they were Honeycrisps. Still pretty damn delicious, however. Lose points for the name.
  5. 5.
    Granny Smith
    The other staple, except with these bad boys you gotta be prepared to play fast and loose with some sour taste. Peanut butter is excellent on Granny Smiths, and when you get one that isn't too tart -- one that's almost the perfect crisp -- well that's just aces.
  6. 6.
    Fuji
    Wish they were Galas. But they ain't. Adequate Gala back up but not really. Sometimes their texture can be... Almost mealy.
  7. 7.
    Golden Delicious
    These are hit or miss. Sometimes that nice thin layer of skin is the perfect amount of crispness but more often than not you're veering into Red Delicious territory, which is no bueno.
  8. 8.
    Braeburn
    A solid choice but really I'm neither here nor there on Braeburn apples.
  9. 9.
    Red Delicious
    No. Absolutely not! Disgusting. Only good for decor.