MY PROUDEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS

I've done some cool stuff, sure, who hasn't, but there are a few small things that make me smile with pride every day because hey guys the devil is in the details or something.
  1. 1.
    I named my brother's fish Chicken Nugget.
    That alone, without context, is pretty great already -- I mean, what a name! But the reason this is an accomplishment I truly take pride in is that when my brother bought this fish it was when he first got the 20 gallon aquarium he and his wife refer to as "television for the cat" three years ago, and so many fish have come and gone since then. Seriously they all die all the time. Except for Chicken Nugget! He's the only fish that's been there since the beginning and I named him!
  2. 2.
    I got the Twitter handle stamos before John Stamos could.
    A perk of being an early adopter. (Look who won this round of Stamos vs. Stamos, Stamos. Me! I won!)
  3. 3.
    I haven't smoked a cigarette since I was 17 years old.
    It's the only New Years Resolution I have ever kept. In high school my girlfriends and I smoked Marlboro Menthol Lights because we were dumb young idiots but I grew to hate them and spontaneously decided an hour before the ball dropped New Year's Eve my senior year that I'd never smoke another cigarette again in my life. And I haven't! Not one! Not even the six months I spent in Paris! That was hard!
  4. 4.
    I have an excellent contingency plan for the inevitable Zombie apocalypse.
    Speaking of cigarettes -- among MANY reasons, here's a huge part of why my plan is good (and also why you should want to be on my zombie apocalypse team): I will have stockpiles of cigarettes and use them as currency. Anyone who has ever been to prison or Bonaroo before it got trendy knows that in dire situations you can get A LOT for just one cigarette. I haven't been to prison but I've seen some shit at music festivals, and this is why I have a carton of cigarettes hidden in my emergency bag.