SICK VACATIONS I WILL EVENTUALLY TAKE
- •BaliI'll do a five day yoga retreat with my favorite teacher from my local studio and then I'll meet up with my hot boyfriend at the Four Seasons and we'll stay there for like a week just swimming naked in infinity pools all day because I don't know that seems like what you do at the Four Seasons in Bali and also I just went on a yoga retreat so my body is banging.
- •India, Wes Anderson styleI'll wear matching pajama sets and listen to the soundtrack from Merchant Ivory films the whole time (and maybe also a little bit of The Kinks) and only travel by train where everyone will admire my gorgeous monogrammed luggage. It would be cool if Owen Wilson could come but I'd be down to do some solo soul-searching on this trip too. I'll befriend a small, wise child who will send me on a different direction for a few days. And I'll definitely run into Bill Murray at some point.
- •VancouverI want to do two different Vancouver trips: one where I'm just being a worldly traveler exploring a new city, eating great food and smoking some fresh BC bud on hikes with my lifelong platonic male BFF and another where I go visit all the TV sets and shooting locations for all my favorite shows that shot there and still shoot there with my gay BFF. In both scenarios we'll recreate scenes from iconic episodes of The X-Files.
- •ThailandI'm gonna go with my second husband on our honeymoon and we'll stay at all the nicest hotels because it will be super cheap but also like, we've got money and we don't care so we're chill about it, and we'll get a minimum of two Thai massages a day and it will probably be really hot so we'll spend most of our time swimming and probably one day we'll charter a yacht to go explore some islands. We might go see a "ping pong" show for shits and giggles but only after I've had a few beers.
- •Jackson HoleWhen my third husband and I have retired we'll have a house in Jackson Hole so it's going to be more of a regular vacation home we'll frequently visit. In the winter we'll ski a lot and get ridiculous goggle tans but we'll wear cowboy hats and furs around town and go to bed at like 8pm every night and when we go in the summer I'll get really into black and white photography and ride horses every day and learn how to throw pottery.
- •Bike Tour of ScandinaviaI'll go with three of my girlfriends and we'll be touristy but also chill and friendly but also kind of keep to ourselves because we have so many inside jokes. We'll be biking everywhere so we'll be hungry but probably won't eat too much because the food in Scandinavia will definitely be only okay so we'll come back skinnier and toned and hot and a little annoyed with each other but we'll all swear to our significant others that we had the best time ever.
- •The Amazon in PeruI'll go with a girlfriend who is super chill and laid back and fun to travel with and more fluent in Spanish than me so she has to do most of the talking when we encounter locals on our river boat cruise but we'll also spend at least three days doing Ayahuasca with a shaman who speaks English and I really hope my spirit animal is a dolphin but I feel like it will end up being a seal.
- •Poseidon Undersea ResortThis place is still under construction but it's basically this futuristic spaceship structure built 40 feet under the sea in a lagoon off the shore of a private island in Fiji and it's going to be the world's first permanent one-atmosphere seafloor structure and I'm definitely already on their mailing list because my first husband is going to propose to me here when we're underwater, ideally incorporating a few of my favorite sea creatures.