STOLEN GOODS

I never went through a legit shoplifting phase but I have been known to steal inconsequential items from time to time. I'm sorry. But only for like four of these.
  1. Raffia
    I was in second grade and it was the human equivalent of a crow nosediving for a shiny object because I saw some beautiful raffia in an Easter display at a local greenhouse store and stole a handful. I immediately burst into tears in the car when we left because I felt so guilty and my mom made me return it and apologize. The storekeeper was like "it's just silver plastic it's basically shiny trash" but it may as well have been the Heart of the Ocean considering my guilt-induced breakdown.
  2. Glasses from multiple bars and restaurants across Western Europe
    Anytime I ordered beer in a cool bar when I was studying abroad I would usually take home the glass the beer came in, especially if it was interesting. I think maybe only one of these made it back to the states with me, and my poor host family was probably horrified when they discovered my stash.
  3. A gazillion small white hand towels from the Fox gym
    I worked at Fox or on Fox shows for about three years and stole countless towels from the Fox gym. It was never intentional but now that I have tons of them I wonder if my thievery was just a subconscious attempt to stick it to the man.
  4. Tights
    In college I accidentally walked out of a Macy's at the Burlington Mall without realizing I was still holding a pair of tights in my hand. Decided it was too late to go back at that point. Never ended up wearing them. Still feel guilty about it.
  5. 1 lb free weights
    Walked out with these from a Cardio Barre class. It started out as unintentional and then I was kind of stoked about it. Look I know I should feel guilty but they are each only one pound so like, what good are they doing anyone anyway?
  6. Countless bottles of booze
    I went through a phase when I would steal booze from catered parties or weddings for fun. Well, usually it was to spite the underprepared bartender that was taking forever to make drinks, but most of the time it was because I was already drunk. I think once I walked away from a New Years party in Boston with two bottles of wine and a half-full handle of Jack.
  7. Vicodin
    From my dad's medicine cabinet. At least three or four times. This stopped when I realized after a miserable plane ride that I was actually semi-allergic to opiates.
  8. CAA-branded office supplies
    I worked there for a year and really took advantage of the office supplies closet which was less of a closet and more like a small-sized Staples. I still use CAA folders, bags, notepads, buck-slips and pencils. Jk I don't use the pencils but I have a lot of them. Do people still use pencils?
  9. A three hole-puncher, brads, at least five reams of printer paper
    Okay so maybe I have a problem when it comes to office supplies but why buy my own when there are just so many to be taken without anyone noticing? Also now I have fun souvenirs from every job I've ever had!
  10. Weed
    If a friend asks me to pick up weed for them I will absolutely pinch a little from the top. I don't really think of this as stealing so much as a commission. We live in LA go get your own damn pot card and get your own damn pot! I don't ask you to get me a rotisserie chicken when you go to Ralph's, do I? No, I don't.
  11. Two large white towels from CorePower Yoga
    One from the Sherman Oaks studio (unintentional), one from the Wilshire studio (intentional).
  12. Grey Goose drink stirrer
    One of those pointy metal things. It has a little goose at the top. Stole it from an Oscar party I wasn't invited to a few weeks ago because I wanted a souvenir and there weren't gift bags, so I made my own. I was very drunk. I threw it out three days later but went down a shame spiral over it anyway.