MY PROUDEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS

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  1. My journal of sad poetry written in the 3rd grade.
  2. Having to be the Virgin Mary for Christmas mass and NOT dropping the porcelain baby Jesus. (Possibly 2nd grade?)
  3. Having to pull a foreign object out of my dog's asshole last week.
  4. Being an unfit mother to my tamagotchi.
  5. That time I spent about four hours trying to shave my long hair cat. (Not a metaphor)
  6. Crawling into a humongous ant pile in kindergarten.