THINGS I WANT

  1. A movie premiere cast photo featuring eight female cast members and one man.
  2. A movie starring Helen Mirren or Emma Thompson with a male romantic lead who is at least 22 years younger. (Helen Mirren and Idris Elba. Tell me you wouldn’t go see that.)
  3. A one-year blackout on political advertising and posturing of all kinds. One year when we don’t have to hear candidates adopt an obnoxious, adolescent tone while declaring that his/her opponent is “so lame you guys, oh my god!”
  4. A worldwide policy wherein anyone engaging in a Twitter feud or Instagram dispute or Snapchat melee is irrevocably erased from the internet.
  5. Mandatory driver retesting every 10 years. But not like when you were 16. Your car is secretly rigged with an external and internal camera for a month and if it turns out you’re a giant asshole when you drive, your license gets yanked for three months after which you can apply for retesting.
  6. Field Trip Week for grown ups. One week each year when we all go to the museum and Fort Whyte and Oak Hammock Marsh. Bring your bag lunch. We’ll provide sodas.
  7. Refrigeration in all vending machines containing chocolate bars.
  8. And… uh… world peace, I guess.