I'm not a hypochondriac
  1. I woke up and my tongue is mysteriously bleeding?
    On top. In three spots. It's like three individual taste buds decided they quit and spontaneously exploded.
  2. My right arm starts to lose feeling after typing on my phone for too long?
    Seriously. Is it the angle? Are my arms weak? Do I have circulation issues? Am I dying?
  3. I got lotion in my eye?
    Just so much. Rubbed it right in.
  4. The woman who painted my nails yesterday kept getting up to hide herself in a small closet and sneeze?
    Okay, this one's on me for spontaneously getting a manicure in a department store in Paris. But, really. Don't you have 500 vacation days? GO HOME.
  5. I can't go on... My arm is tingling