5 THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED BECAUSE I WROTE A VERY DRAMATIC LIST CALLED "DISTANCE IS A CLOSE FRIEND"

it all happened so fast. Distance Is A Close Friend
  1. 1.
    Several women came forward to make kiss to me
    It was all a blur of good and long sex and me being very good at the act of sex
  2. 2.
    I was offered a television show
    wow you wouldn't believe it but someone bought the rights to my life story. Although there may be some copyright issues with "Bring It On Again" and "Bring It On: All Or Nothing"
  3. 3.
    I graciously accepted a raise at work
    I guess they got wind of the list and offered me the position of CEO (Coolass Emo Ouijaboarddude). It pays 1 billion dollars a year but no dental ;(
  4. 4.
    I died and the world mourned for me because I was iconic and a true hero and good man
    There was a candle-light vigil at the Walgreens down the street from me where I often went to buy beer and sour candy 😔
  5. 5.
    I came back to life and more women came forward to make kiss to me
    I was also yet again very good at the act of sex even though I had previously died it did not affect my ability to pleasure a woman