A Play By Play Of What Switching Brains With Mary Murphy Would Be Like

  1. Mary is at home during a thunderstorm, screaming at her plugged-in computer because the Netflix adaptation of A Series of Unfortunate Events is trash
    Lightning strikes a power line and travels through her electrical outlet and shocks her
  2. I am at home, trying to maneuver my penis into an electrical socket
    Lightning strikes a power line and travels through my electrical outlet and shocks me
  3. When Mary comes to, her pants are down around her ankles in my living room. She looks down at her very small penis and men's uggs that she is wearing and realizes something is terribly wrong
  4. When I come to, I am somewhere in the mountains staring at my 24 brothers and sisters. I am now a very beautiful woman, which is something I have dreamt about for some time
  5. Mary pulls her pants up and gets the idea for a very dumb tweet. She is unaware of how stupid it is. She has an overwhelming desire to return to her home planet, Zorp, but knows she cannot for a few more years. She and @chriscady drink heavily on the couch in unison and finish each other's thoughts and sentences in matching clothes, as twins do
  6. I am suddenly very clever and a good person. @joemurphy and I play board games together and watch an entire season of a television show on our couch. We text each other even though we're in the same room. Our caps locks are permanently on.
  7. I go to sleep, hoping and praying to the God I suddenly believe in that there are no more thunderstorms and that I may continue to be a real good femmail for the rest of my life
  8. Mary goes to sleep in an extremely blue bed. She tries to dream about meaningful things, but can only think of Internet babes and more dumb tweets about divorce. She prays for rain and lightning and falls asleep to the Nickelback song that she suddenly can't get out of her head