BOXERS I OWN, RANKED BY HOW WORRIED YOUR FRIEND'S GONNA BE IF YOU DON'T LEAVE & COME HOME RIGHT NOW

You went home with me and things started getting sexy on the couch. And then you took off my pants
  1. 7.
    Penguins
    Um, ok, interesting. You haven't seen a dude wear boxers since high school, let alone graphic ones. This is all a little childish, but still sort of cute you guess. And look at those penguins, aww! RANKED: Your friend, Amy, does not exist
  2. 6.
    Mistletoe with glow-in-the-dark kissy lips
    Ok holy shit this is pretty wild. Who owns shit like this? Do guys buy holiday specific boxers? Oh no, wait, no. Do these glow in the fucking dark? Ok ok ok, just take them off fast it's fine. You're drunk and you haven't been laid in a while. This will be a funny story in the morning. RANKED: Amy is real but she doesn't care where you're at
  3. 5.
    "Flip Cup Hero"
    What the hell is this? Does that say "flip cup hero" on it? Like the drinking game? He has a pair of boxers that brag about how good he is at drinking? What have you done. Ugh no, it's fine whatever. Just excuse yourself to the bathroom and take a shot or something. You can do this. Maybe the sex will still be good. RANKED: Sorry can't stay over! Amy is going to be mad if you don't come home tonight
  4. 4.
    "You can stop asking, 'cause I'm the man!"
    Ok don't panic, just say you're too drunk to do anything right now. No wait, no guy who has ever worn boxers like this has ever been turned off by a girl being too drunk. Fuck. Ok wait, yeah food poisoning. Or just run for the door. It doesn't matter JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. RANKED: Amy just called and is really worried where you are. Ugh oh no you gotta go!
  5. 3.
    Side 1
    Ok ok not bad I can deal....
  6. 2.
    Side 2: "Call the Janitor...I'm moppin' you up!"
    ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. RANKED: Amy's parents just called. Amy's dead. You need to go home immediately and start planning the funeral
  7. 1.
    Papi
    oh my god. RANKED: yeah sorry man it was nice meeting you I gotta go. The police are on their way over cya