HOW TO MAKE KISS TO HUMANS, AS TOLD BY THIS "MEN'S HEALTH" ARTICLE

This article was either written by an alien or a twelve year old boy.
  1. ALIEN: Yes, the human women love to begin the act by first embracing one another. Contact tricks their bodies into feeling safe.
    TWEEN: dude that's where babies come from!
  2. ALIEN: Mark yourself with the human woman's identifier. The recognition of the familiar will bring her joy and ecstasy.
    TWEEN: one time in Mrs. Johnson's class I spelled a word good and I know that's why Sarah like-likes me.
  3. ALIEN: The human women are deceitful creatures who cannot be trusted. Exploit this knowledge to trick the creature into procreation.
    TWEEN: wait I know! my sister's always looking at herself in the mirror. Girls love looking at themselves. Maybe if put a picture of Sarah in my backpack she'll kiss me!
  4. ALIEN: Show subservience and respect to the human woman by grooming her like a slave. In exchange for this favor, she will be forced to pay you back with sex acts.
    TWEEN: girls love girl crap. Maybe if I like girl crap Sarah will like me. Also don't tell my mom I said crap.
  5. ALIEN: By lowering the human woman's inhibitions through discreet alcohol consumption, you will increase your chances of procreation with the female creature.
    TWEEN: My parents get goofy and laugh when they drink alcohol. Maybe if I put giggle juice by Sarah's butt she'll think I'm funny and kiss me.
  6. ALIEN: Distract the human female with other sensations. This will increase her joy as well as allow you to discreetly plant your seed inside of her.
    TWEEN: Dude have you ever put like that tingly Chapstick on your lips? What if I give Sarah a raspberry on her tummy with that!?
  7. ALIEN: Prime the female human for intercourse by allowing her to pleasure you. It is enjoyable to have oiled beads on ones genitals.
    TWEEN: No I swear I saw this in a video on my dads laptop!