I JUST DROPPED AN ENTIRE PECAN PIE ON THE CARPET

  1. Look at this shit
  2. Let's just get this out of the way
    I was in fact eating an entire pecan pie by myself out of the fucking tin when this happened.
  3. I was reaching for my beer and accidentally knocked it off the table
    Yes, nothing goes better with pecan pie than beer. And they both go great with self-loathing.
  4. How the hell do I clean this up?
    The pecan filling has glued to the carpet and the crumbs have formed a fine powder on the ground. I'm just getting in the car and moving. My life here is over. I'm the Don Draper of being a piece of shit.
  5. Notice the GQ's on the table. You think any of those guys have ever tried to eat an entire pie by themselves, Steve? What is wrong with you?
  6. Who can even eat more than one piece of pecan pie anyway? It's basically just maple syrup with a crust on top.
    I am truly disgusting.
  7. On the bright side...
    With Thanksgiving coming up, this is probably the most festive suicide scene the cops will walk into all month!
  8. I know what you're thinking
    And yes, I have decided to make this list instead of cleaning up this mess. It's the only way I know how to cope.