MY LIST OF SERVICES IF I WERE A PROSTITUTE

  1. Side hug with hover hand
    $5
  2. Fist bump (no explosion)
    $5
  3. Fist bump (explosion)
    $6
  4. Playing "Wonderwall" for you on my guitar and it sort of sounding right
    $10
  5. Asking about your life (with follow-up questions)
    $15.50
  6. Watching your favorite movie with you that you've seen 100 times and are super excited about seeing my reaction to
    $20
  7. Taking a lot of snapchat/Instagram selfies with you at the bar to show your ex that you're doing fine without them
    $22
  8. Not laughing at the song lyric you posted on social media
    $25
  9. Watching a YouTube video with you that you want to show me right now, on your phone
    $30
  10. Listening to you talk about how your study abroad trip changed your life
    $30
  11. Fuckin'
    $35
  12. Staring into your eyes and "making love" to you
    $2,000,000,000
  13. End of list.