ORDINARY THINGS THAT WILL PROBABLY END MY LIFE

Natural selection is right around the corner.
  1. Ceiling fans
    "Hey this room's pretty hot. Let's activate the spinning blades hanging above our heads."
  2. Keeping my cellphone by my crotch
    Poisoning ours loins with radiation: the cool birth control us Millennials deserve.
  3. Choking on food because I'm not chewing it enough before swallowing
    One time while choking on some ribs, I tried to chug a Bloody Mary to make the food go down. The red liquid spewed out of my mouth and onto my white shirt, like a really drunk monster. A little girl cried.
  4. Trying to get a good Instagram picture
    Have put myself in harms way too many times for the perfect shot of a sunset. My tombstone will read: "died for 15 likes." But really I deserve to die for doing this.
  5. Slipping in the shower when I bend over to sit down in it
    I feel so bad for the apartment maintenance man who discovers my naked, waterlogged corpse.
  6. Too much caffeine
    I'm actually needle sick for coffee. My heart is going to explode one of these 4-cups-a-days. No one will be surprised.
  7. Looking for my improperly catalogued "Midnight in Paris" soundtrack on my iPod while driving
    Why the fuck is the album artist "Woody Allen"?? Hopefully when my body gets thrown through the windshield, I'll end up in some quirky, Parisian Heaven.