1. Static
    I listen to an album I first heard shortly after my ex-girlfriend and I broke up and it brings me back to all of those weird memories and feelings
  2. Static
    It's a Friday night and all my friends are at a cool party I'm not at and they keep putting up blurry, dancey snapchats with cool location filters
  3. Static
    The girl I'm crushing on told me we couldn't hang out because she's dog-sitting for her neighbor this weekend, but she just venmoed her friend for "I'm going to fuck that bartender later 🍻😍😂👏🏻"
  4. Static
    I go home for Christmas break and realize that you can't ever really go home and that life changes so fast that you'll never feel "at home" anywhere again for a very long time
  5. Static
    It has been 9 months since my last sexual encounter. I can tell you definitely whether that melon-in-the-microwave trick actually works or not
  6. Static
    I just got back from a long day at the courthouse where the judge awarded full custody of our kids to my wife after my kids begged him in closed quarters to let them live with her and the mic in the judge's chambers was still on but they didn't know it and everyone in the courtroom heard the whole thing and oh yeah my attorney has been sleeping with my wife for the past few months and my kids call him "uncle pete" now and they like when he bbqs more than when I do