An important list written by an important man
  1. Checking Instagram on a desktop computer like an absolutely fucking insane person
  2. Spotify Premium
    I can download all the music and playlists I want so I'm not using data when I'm out and about!!
  3. Extricating people from my life with green text bubbles
    Jaedon, if you can see this, that's why daddy hasn't been responding to your text messages. I think mom's going to let me come home soon, bud. Chin up.
  4. Getting black out drunk by myself on weeknights and forgetting to plug my phone in before I go to sleep
    and then carrying my dead phone around all day at work like some made-for-millennials remake of "Weekend at Bernies"
  5. Going outside to check the weather instead of looking at the weather app
    Like a poor person
  6. Instead of writing tweets, just saying random thoughts out loud in a crowded area and seeing how many favorites* I get
    *public beatings from perfectly justified strangers