THAT ONE TIME I GOT MY DIVA CUP STUCK INSIDE ME
A play by play
- •It was band camp, August 17th, 2016I was waiting for it. I was so exited for Aunt Flo to come to town, because I had just gotten something incredible in the mail. Something life changing. My first diva cup. It was turquoise, and I was hyped.
- •In the breakfast hall that morning, I felt a little swishMy heart quickened, I thought she would never come!
- •I excitedly rushed to the bathroomI sat on the toilet and tried to get it in. I couldn't get it in. Oh god I'm never gonna get it in, I didn't bring tampons I'm just gonna have to free bleed my way through marching today, goodbye cruel world
- •I got it inAfter about 10 minutes and some google searches with picture demonstrations of all the different folds you can make, she was in. I thought it was gonna make a suction noise, but it didn't. In fear I took it out again and repeated this process.
- •I was good for the rest of the dayOr so I thought
- •While practicing marching..I decided it had been long enough and I should go change my cup. Unfortunately this meant doing it in a dark, wet, cold, and smelly public bathroom.
- •This is gonna get graphic ladies and gentsI sat, and I reached inside my lady cave. I felt nothing. I immediately assumed my vagina had eaten it and I was gonna die
- •I didn't dieI poked it with a finger, but it was so far up there! No matter how hard I tried to get it out, there was literally no way she was comin out.
- •Luckily, we were going home that day and I only had to wait a couple hours until I got thereWhen I got home I immediately took a shower and attempted getting my cuppy out once again. I squatted, I lifted one leg, i contemplated tweezers but once they got near that area I decided that probably wasn't a good idea.
- •My boyfriend has been here the whole time as wellHe is a saint.
- •Reduced to tearsI panic and start garbling nonsense to my boyfriend, and he offers to attempt to remove it himself. This was definitely not gonna happen on my watch, so I returned to the bathroom.
- •Very horrible things ensuedI realized if I basically clench like I'm pooping, it moves the cup farther down and it's easier for me to reach.
- •One problemIt's the first day of my period and the poops are not exactly solid and nice. There was no way I could squeeze down there without ACTUALLY pooping.
- •Horrible thingsIn a blizzard of blood, urine, and poop; somehow I managed to remove the monster.
- •But in the endI still use my diva cup, and it's super easy for me to take out and put in now. And also I'm helping the environment and saving money, hell yeah.
- •The end