MUST-HAVE EVIL VILLAIN ACCESSORIES
Don't start taking over the world without these simple, but useful, accessories.
- •An impressive chairLots of villains forget that many times they will be forced to entertain their accomplices (or enemies) in their private offices. Don't be caught with that office chair you got from IKEA after grad school.
- •A good lap animalThe white cat is the classic, of course, but consider being original and branching out. Large squirrels, koalas, monkeys, and even many kinds of large birds make excellent pets for stroking while threatening your enemies. Also, studies have shown that petting an email lowers blood pressure so, bonus!
- •A sturdy RolodexYou'll be amazed at how many people you'll need to call during your day. Someone to fix the plumbing in your shark tank, an advisor on obscure economic markets, the solar ray salesman when you need a new instrument of destruction... Make sure they're all at arms reach.
- •Shoes with good arch supportIt's just a fact that most evil lairs have stone floors. We get it, they look amazing and give off that certain vibe of fastidiousness AND ruthless minimalism, but don't forget that they're also terrible for your legs and back if standing on them all day in subpar footwear. We suggest some baby seal leather boots with some firm Dr. Scholl's inserts.
- •A reliable humidifierVolcano lairs, underground bunkers, bases built inside abandoned insane asylums... Know what they all have in common? Tons of allergens and irritants. Don't let your health be compromised by breathing dry scratchy air all day. After all, there's nothing less intimidating than a villain breaking out in a coughing fit mid-evil laugh.