All the ways your mom totally knew what you were up to:

  1. When you thought you were getting soooo drunk on vodka.
    She knew you were going to try and sneak some, so she filled it up mostly with water. She had her own stash upstairs the whole time.
  2. When you climbed out your window at night.
    She would lock it. And all the doors. And you thought you’d accidentally done it yourself. Classic Mom.
  3. When you forged her signature on your detention slip.
    Weeks later she tells you that you screwed up the “y.”
  4. When your boyfriend slept over.
    She knew. Every. Single. Time. And she tells you, years later, “Maybe you should have told him to park farther away than across the street.”
  5. When you tell her you’re going on a camping trip with your girls.
    She damn well knows there will be boys there, so she hides your weed before you go, then puts it back in your drawer after you leave so you think you just missed it when you get back. And everyone is all mad at you because YOU were supposed to score the weed. Thanks, Mom.