Or: How To Make a Shopkeeper Hate You
  1. Today is technically my day off, but my employee is sick and she has never called out in the 3+ years she has worked for me, so of course I'm here today.
    But I still covet my day off and will be a bit grouchy because I'm missing it.
  2. I didn't stop to get coffee or breakfast on my way in because I was off my game already.
    Forgot the bank, too.
  3. I was immediately bombarded with phone calls and credit-related requests that I don't have the answer for.
    I hate getting a bunch of phone calls the minute I walk in, no matter what day it is.
  4. Then: A young mom comes in with a wee hellion.
    I don't like kids and my shop is completely not child proof, so of course kids love to ruin my shit, because they are evil and know their powers.
  5. He runs right to the rubber rain boots and starts pulling them on and moving them around the shop.
    Okay, at least it's not a $300 leather boot.
  6. He sees my vintage shoe shine bench/kit and starts pulling out all the display polishes.
    It's a fucking free-for-all.
  7. Meanwhile: Mom tells me she was looking at boots online and wanted to see see what I had but that it didn't look like I had the one particular style she had seen.
    True. Company makes 100 styles per season, I stock 8. Kind of hard to chat about boots when your beastchild is terrorizing my store.
  8. The kid is opening and closing all my backstock drawers repeatedly.
    No, its not a toy box. I checked.
  9. Then he's pulling on my precisely-arranged and hung with fishing line window display pieces.
  10. He's crashing through my side display window which is roped off and messing up things because they look like toys.
    There's a vintage-looking cast-iron squirrel in the window that kids love to find.
  11. And mom is kind of telling him no but he's still fucking up my shit.
    I know it's not totally his fault, but he still sucks.
  12. Instead of saying, "Get your spawn the hell out of my store." I say, "Your house must be a lot of fun."
    While I think about my clean, kid-free house waiting for me, where I can drink wine and read and watch tv on my couch with the only interruption being my boyfriend asking what I'd like him to make me for dinner.
  13. Finally she realizes that shoe shopping is best done when evil child is not with her.
    I love when they finally figure this out.
  14. She picks up the kid and they leave.
  15. I'm 36 and childfree and it's one of my favorite things about me.