You Might Be Me If...

Totally snagged from @blanelly et al.
  1. You write the date you opened a hair or body product on the bottom of the container to track how long it takes to use it.
    And to therefore justify spending $40 on a bottle of shampoo.
  2. You have a frightening/hilarious habit of cutting a rambunctious fart about 15 seconds before someone walks into the store.
    Maybe it draws them in?
  3. You are so dedicated to ALWAYS air-drying your socks! You NEVER put them in the dryer!
    Winner.
  4. You can predict any negative effects of your lactose intolerance like clockwork.
    Ice cream? That is truly living on the edge.
  5. You still have a stash of refillable mechanical pencils from college.
    And you graduated in 2003.
  6. Your drive to work is a self-righteous journey in which you see a whole slew of Fucked-Up Weirdos of all kinds and you think "Well, I guess it could certainly be worse."
    What an asshole!
  7. You will never require coffee so badly as to actually use powdered non-dairy creamer in it.
    Non-negotiable.
  8. Even though you had a fairly happy childhood, you don't get the point of having kids and wonder why anyone would actually want to do such a thing.
    And birth stories? WHY???
  9. You love to tell teens: "Why, when I was your age, phones were attached to the wall!"
    Don't even get me started, Sonny.
  10. You have owned an automatic transmission vehicle for nearly a year and still often attempt shifting into a lower gear when stopping or slowing.
  11. You refer to Camels as "Double-humpers" or "Single-humpers" and are pleased as punch that both of them exist in emoji form like so:
    🐫 🐪 🐫 🐪
  12. You are looking out of a window, across the street, into an office that has a sizeable bunch of colorful balloons floating and you can't stop wondering why they are where they are.
    Birthday? Workshop? Carnival? Clown College?
  13. You are really just existing until the next time you spot a dog in the driver's seat of a parked car.