THIS IS WHAT I'VE GOT RIGHT NOW: STRUGGLING TO PUT WORDS TO MY THOUGHTS

Struggling for words but need to say something. Can't be silent. Can't be passive. Even as I write this, I know it's not about me. AT ALL. But this is the mush that my mind is trying make sense of right now.
  1. My name is as common and average as you can get.
  2. In the first couple of years after 9/11, whenever I flew I got stopped for extra security because my name seemed fake.
  3. Every time I approached the security people, they usually just laughed
    Especially before a red eye out of Oakland one night, when I was carrying a pillow, had braided pigtails, and was wearing a flimsy cowboy hat.
  4. Another time, during the extra check by the gate, my bag started beeping. My friends and I looked at each other trying to figure it out and the agents looked at us extra suspiciously.
    Then the beeping sped up and we realized it was the electronic CatchPhrase game we had brought to entertain us.
  5. I now know that these instances were all about white privilege.
  6. I did not fear for my life.
  7. I woke up this morning and got on Twitter to get the latest updates and tears just flowed down my face.
  8. How did we get here?
  9. I have an idea of why.
  10. When my cousin was 4 years old, we were laying on the couch when out of nowhere she says to me "Jenny, you're not going to marry a black guy, are you?"
    At the age of 4.
  11. Throughout my life, my grandfather and I have argued and fought and debated about his racism. One of my greatest achievements (literally less than 5 years ago) is getting him to the point of saying I could be friends with "a black or Mexican" but not date.
    He used to be a preacher. It fucking breaks my heart everytime I watch the news with my grandparents.
  12. My town is a great melding pot. I have lived my entire life not thinking anything odd about being surrounded by people who look different than me. It's a pretty even mix of whites, Latinos, Assyrians, and Sikhs. I look around the classes I sub for and love that these kids also don't see the differences. They are all friends.
    This is the part of the future I am excited for and support.
  13. In college, it was joked that I was always the "token white friend" because I was friends with everyone. I love everyone. Unless you're an asshole, odds are good we would be friends.
  14. Which is why I hate so much what our country has become. That these things keep happening. And happening everyday.
  15. I've seen the quote floating around that the violence isn't new, the cameras are.
  16. And I know that's so damn true.
  17. We are living in a time where people can (and should) be responsible for their actions.
  18. A call to action is among us. Changes have to be made.
  19. My Facebook is still filled this morning with political hate and nonsense and anti-Obama/Hillary.
  20. (I also just struggle with why innocent people keep dying but an asshole like Trump is not only fine but still a presidential candidate. That balance has to shift at some point, right? Does that make me a terrible person to have that thought?)
  21. I struggle. I struggle because I know that being an average white girl gives me privilege. I struggle because what room do I have to talk about it. I've seen time and again on a space as kind as the list app white people get taken to task for daring to speak out. It feels like there's no way to win.
  22. And there's not. IT IS NOT ABOUT WINNING. It's about support. It's about humanity. It's about kindness. It's about love. It's about courage. It's about stamping out the darkness and letting the light, letting love, win.
  23. Let this be the time change really does happen.
  24. Stop the violence.
  25. Have courage.
  26. Be kind.
  27. All Lives Matter
  28. But right now, the movement matters more
  29. Black Lives Matter.