THINGS MY DAD WITH ASPERGER'S RECENTLY DID

I know everyone's parents are weird but Barry Fogel is on a level all his own. I list this with love, and invent nothing.
  1. Wrote a book of limericks he hopes to publish; in one, he rhymed "serotonin" with "bonin'"
  2. Carried a butcher knife as he speedwalked through the woods of Lexington, Massachusetts, the better to pick mushrooms with
  3. Emailed me some joke punchups after I had my first humor piece published online (he's a neurologist and, having Aspergers as discussed, lacking in irony)
  4. Had a child named Bill with his Chinese wife who, now age five, wears 3-piece suits and often comments on how, "if America goes down, we'll still have China." (???)
  5. Texted me in response to the ACLU investigation that my next film as a director should be a biopic about Lauryn Hill. When I humored him with a "yeah, she's had a hard life," he replied thusly: "Differential diagnosis includes chronic broken heart (Wyclef Jean), bipolar disorder, multiple episodes of post-partum depression, and autoimmune disease."
  6. Allowed his wife to mail me a sale-rack wedding gown from filene's basement (I was single) and when I called to awkwardly thank him yet ask for clarification said they both felt I dressed "too pragmatically."
  7. Started eating exclusively with chopsticks
  8. Called a character in a script I wrote "so fucking annoying" without offering further detail.