WAYS I HAVE TRIED TO FLIRT: GRADES 4-7

  1. 4th grade: I told the new exchange student from Argentina, Juan Espinoza, that the word for "tiger" was "asshole" right before our class trip to the zoo. I thought he would find my sense of mischief kissable; was wrong.
  2. 4th grade: I taught Ted Trafton a secret language of code words for when the teacher was reading a book about Inuits to the class. "kayak" = "penis," "Elizabeth" = "vagina," "paddling" = sex. We laughed a lot that year but unfortunately that was it.
  3. 5th grade: I mercilessly teased my adorable teacher Mr Atwood about his huge Adam's Apple. I wish he had been as inappropriate with me in return.
  4. 5th grade: In love with Coley Read, I started a rumor that a girl who was openly in love with him had given another dude a BJ in the photo lab dark room. This one kind of worked: someone found a list he made ranking all girls in the class in descending order and I was at the top, but as it turned out he couldn't put his money or his mouth anywhere.
  5. 7th grade: I called Kevin Randle an asshole on the ski trip bus to Sunday River, Maine. It paid off. He asked me out 2 days later. After two days of avoiding each other in the halls out of crippling fear, I heard a rumor he was going to try to kiss me at the dance Friday and preemptively had Melissa Datz call him to break things off on my behalf.
  6. 7th grade: I begged my dad to take me to a Grateful Dead show so I wd have something to discuss with Nick Seadale who had dancing bears on his lacrosse stick. Show was boring. When I casually referenced it the next day, Nick challenged me to name my 10 favorite Dead songs. I only knew "Touch of Grey." He called me a poser, we never spoke again.
  7. 7th grade: I recorded a lengthy, semi-scripted comedic fan letter to a then-also-twelve Nick Stahl and sent it to him c/o The United Talent Agency. Considering firing them if they can't get me a reply by my 35th birthday.