Secret single behaviors

Things I do because I'm single, live alone, and no one will ever know...until now.
  1. Put whipped cream and chocolate syrup directly into the pint of ice cream
    Because why waste time with a bowl and honestly who's gonna wash it anyway?
  2. Give standing ovations when something good happens on T.V.
    Because why not?
  3. Practice my acceptance speech for awards I haven't yet won
    Yes I still do this. There's still hope and I need to be ready.
  4. Eat standing up at the kitchen counter before my food hits the plate
    Look...I rarely cook. And when I do sometimes I don't even care about the plate. I eat while cooking and the food never even makes the table. I don't know how this started, but it did and it keeps happening and I'm not mad about it.
  5. Talk to myself while taking a bath.
    Yes I answer back, but I know I'm doing it so it's ok. Plus, I have some deep insights for myself
  6. Imitate routines on Dancing with the Stars
    One day they will invite mere mortals to dance with the true stars (the pros, obviously), and I will earn my rightful spot by having all the classic routines memorized...if I haven't pulled every muscle in my body by then.