Ways to Celebrate Independence Day that Don't Require Setting Off Cheaply Made Roadside Explosives

  1. Drink one Sam Adams for every year of our independence.
  2. Write a strongly worded think piece railing against the metric system.
  3. Refuse to utter any words that have an alternate spelling involving an unnecessary "u."
  4. Watch videos of fireworks in surround sound in your giant American house.
    You won't even notice the difference, and Uncle Roy won't lose any more fingers!
  5. Invite everyone you know named "Toby" or "Keith" out for a drink.
  6. Make a list of all the reasons "crumpet" is an idiotic word.
  7. Shave the lyrics of Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A." into your chest hair.
  8. Netflix and grill?
  9. Ask a British girl on a date to a nice restaurant. Compliment her on her dress, listen in fascination to everything she says, and when the bill arrives, pull a dine-and-dash while yelling, "As if, ya dirty Redcoat!"
  10. Report any sports bars showing Wimbledon to Homeland Security.