WAYS TO TELL IF IT'S THANKSGIVING

I can never tell when it's Thanksgiving so I made this list to help me and other folks like me remember to eat turkey on this day.
  1. Have you told your mom she wouldn't know good cheese if it slapped her in the face?
    No? Then it's probably not thanksgiving. Yes? Could be any other day. Keep going to make sure.
  2. Are you alone in your home because your family finds you "insufferable"?
    No? Then it's DEFINITELY not a national holiday. Yes? Could be any other day. Better be safe and keep reading.
  3. Are you taking selfies with your dog, the only "person" who truly loves you unconditionally, and eating cereal?
    No? Go to work, dirt bag! It's not a holiday! You're late! Yes? Still could be any day. Unless of course it's some sort of trader joes pumpkin cereal! But then it could just be any day in November. Keep reading.
  4. Are you taking selfies with art you made as a child and thinking about how amazing you are?
    No? You big idiot. Go to work! You're gonna get fired!!! You don't have the day off!!! Yes?? It could be Thanksgiving or it could be any holiday because you're in your childhood home! Or you could have just committed a crime and are on house arrest under the watchful eye of your parents! Or you could be a teen still living with your parents! Read on.
  5. Have you given up hope as to whether or not you will ever know if it's Thanksgiving?
    It's probably thanksgiving. Just eat the turkey and go on living your life. What good is trying to figure out what day it is anyway. They all blend together in the monotony and sadness of life. Go to sleep. Goodnight.