SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT DRINKING

In response to some bad news about drinking
  1. Red wine makes u live longer
    This is true. A proven fact I think. Italians for example guzzle this shit down. Breakfast lunch and dinner, and the super potent kind too, not ur avg 13.5% bottles. Those are, as the Italians say, for pussies. Consequently they have very healthy hearts and generally live abnormally long lives filled w cappuccinos, fine art, & wild gesticulation.
  2. Prosecco = water (hydrating, cheap, & essential for longevity)
    More good news from Italia!! The elderly ppl there drink the poor mans champagne like water. They pour you complimentary glasses of it when u sit down to eat. they keep glasses of it on their night stands. Ex: My friends grandmother luciana lives in rural Italy &straight up doesnt keep water in her house. Only prosecco. once my friend was hungover and asked luciana for a glass of water, juice, anything that was not fermented. luciana told her, "go to the well!" Long live prosecco
  3. Bye bye anxiety
    Why spend countless $$$ on psychologists / therapists / reiki practitioners / yoga retreats when u can drink wine out of a box ( or w a straw!!) and feel instantly more relaxed & confident?! After a few big gulps, everybody is your best friend. You become a yes man. You invite strangers to lick salt off ur clavicle, u take a bunch of mirror selfies in body con dresses w some rando baddies in the washroom, u cry to ur uber driver on the way home. Say no to anxiety & yes to alcohol.
  4. Drinking makes you forget that your grandparents are triple-Rs (Religious Racist Republicans)
    Don't u miss the simpler times, when you both loved AND liked your grandparents? Head on down to Florida, grab yourself a piña colada, and stretch out on a big stripey towel on the sand in front of Grandma Pat's beachside condo. Memorial Day weekend hasn't been this fun since you were 10 and you didn't know what the 2nd amendment was.
  5. Look cool & make friends
    Ur Instagram looks 🔥🔥 W enough pics of u and your friends enjoying alcoholic beverages. FOMO no 'mo!! everybody and their grandmother will actually be jealous of YOU bc u are having so much fun all the time!!! Drinking alcohol!!
  6. Tequila!!!!!!
    Great news about drinking this week: tequila exists!!! Tequila is here to fuck you in the ass w a sparkly vibrator & strawberry lube when your life is fucking you in the ass using only saliva and relentless, bony fingers. Not to be dramatic but I love Jose Cuervo probably more than I will ever love any man woman or child.