1. I can't take a selfie to save my life. This is because I was born before 1988. (That is the official threshold year for selfie ability). Therefore, my Instagram sucks.
  2. I appreciate the English language. I can't speak in "internet." Therefore, Twitter is out.
  3. I am sick of trying to read lists through some obscure link. Aforementioned link ends being a trap to, inevitably, make me accidentally click on ad that refuses to go away. Therefore, fb is recently dead to me.
  4. I don't understand hashtags.
  5. I will f'ing die if @bjnovak or @lenadunham or @mindy comments on something I write. I secretly believe that one(all) of them will find a way to contact me in real life because our friendship(s) is(are) destined.