CRIMINAL CASES I'D BE THE FIRST SUSPECT IN

  1. Hundreds of dollars of nautical-themed home decor stolen in heist from Target Supercenter
  2. Sobbing masked bandit sets lobsters free in local grocery store, steals chapstick on way out
  3. Poorly-graffitied lyrics from Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" found on multiple buildings in Chicago's North Side
  4. Local man suspected of using his brother's ex-girlfriend's HBO GO password for more than two years after break-up
  5. Local dog-owners report repeated harassment from mysterious young lesbian
  6. University finds plastic packaging placed in wrong student union recycling bin
  7. Area man lies to optometrist about how often he falls asleep in contact lenses