SKILLS I WISH I COULD PUT ON MY RESUME

Below are a number of my useful traits that would be desirable, but inappropriate, on a professional resume.
  1. Crushing fear of being reprimanded that inspires and motivates me
  2. Military-grade gaydar
    You ain't hiding from me
  3. Ability to put in contacts without looking in the mirror
  4. Solid Irish accent
    This one is actually on my theatre resume and is making St. Patrick's Day veery fun for me (and miserable for my friends)
  5. Eagerness to replace the office water cooler so as to prove my strength and masculinity
  6. The promise to never wear black pants with brown shoes
  7. Complete mastery of RENT lyrics
  8. Enough competence in Latin to earn a 4 on the AP Vergil exam