My survival job= a concierge in Los Angeles. Oh the horror!
- •When it's raining- "Umm can you do something about this weather? I did not come all the way here for it to rain. When is this going to stop? Can't you fix this?"
- •A family sits down at my desk. The mother or father says "We've just arrived." Silence. I say "And?" They say "We've just arrived." As though I have an automated answer for that statement.
- •Someone comes to the desk and says "What should I do today?" I ask one of 2 questions "What would you like to do today?" Or "What have you already done?" Typically they repeat their initial question. I begin to recommend things to which they reply "No, no, no, no. I don't want to do that/ I've already done that." Again, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO!
- •A guest calls me on the phone "Hey so I'm here with a bunch of guys and we're looking for some party favors (what?). Can you help us?" I respond "If you're talking about illegal substances, no I cannot help you. I'm sorry." They hang up. About 10 minutes later, they call back "Come on, you know a guy. A driver, a waiter, someone!" "I don't!"
- •"I want to go to (insert most popular restaurant of the year here) tonight (Saturday night) at (the most difficult time to get a reservation anywhere, any weekend during the summer). I called and they said they were booked but I know you can do it". "Actually I can't. They don't need to hold tables. They have a wait list a mile long."
- •I'm sitting at my desk working and an older gentlemen comes up to me "I just had to see who belonged to that great pair of legs." I smile because it's polite. He says "Have you read 50 Shades of Grey? We could make that happen." Really?? Gross!!!!!
- •A frequent guest who is addicted to multiple different pain meds sits at your desk for an hour crying and you get to be their therapist. I don't get paid nearly enough for this.
- •"I need a car with a driver right now." "Ok it usually takes at least half an hour for a car to get here." "I need it now." "I understand but the car can't get here that quickly. They aren't stationed at the hotel." "How much is it?" "$84 per hour with a 2 hour minimum." "I'll take a cab." Of course you will.
- •"Can you order me dinner at (insert sushi restaurant here)?" "I can give you the number and you can order." "No I want you to order it for me." "I'm sorry sir but I don't know what you want and I'm not ordering you dinner." "I'll tell you what I want." "Sir, I'm not ordering your dinner."
- •"Do you know any girls I could go out with tonight?" "I'm sorry?" "You know, girls for hire." "I'm sorry sir I can't help you with that." "You can't?" "No." "Bummer."
- •60 year old man- "Some of my friends and I want to go to the hottest nightclub in LA but we don't want to do bottle service. Can you help me?" "No, no I can't."
- •"I want to buy this thing online but I can't to it because it won't take international credit cards. Will you use your credit card to buy it for me?" WHAT??!????!!!???? SERIOUSLY??!???? Yes, they are serious. 100%
- •"Ok so I've looked at the map and I can walk here and here and here." "Well actually it would take you 50 minutes to walk here, 70 minutes to walk there and probably 90 minutes to walk there." "Really?!? It looks so close on the map". Yeah- it's a map!!!!!
- •"I want to go to a beautiful restaurant tonight- great food, trendy, fun people." "There are hundreds. Do you have a type of cuisine you're craving?" "No." "Ok, I would suggest (great restaurant here)." "Is it a good restaurant?" No it's terrible. It's my job to send you to the worst places possible! What kind of a question is that?? Ahhh!
- •Don't come to me expecting discounts. We are a convenience service not a discount service. You want discounts, go to the dollar store.
- •"Can you book my flight for me?" "I can help you, look through options with you, but you need to be here the whole time to approve the purchase." "I do? Why?" If you don't know why, you're an idiot!
- •You may think my job is to say yes to everything and for the most part it is. But my job is also to say no when I have to. Saying no doesn't make me bad a my job- it makes me realistic.
- •TIP ME PLEASE! Especially when I do 4 or 5 things for you, set up your whole week, PREP YOUR PROPOSAL TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND, let you spend an hour of my 8 hour shift at my desk while the phone is ringing off the hook and there are people waiting in line behind you. TIP ME!!!!!!!