1. My body
    Both daily in being victimized so aggressively by gravity and its unanticipated vulnerability to diarrhea on long walks.
  2. A 13-y.o. named Karen Carpenter. For real. She started a fight with me after school in junior high and told everyone to hate me. They didn't even care why, they just did it. Her hair feathered perfectly and her dad was an asshole.
  3. My cat Kai.
    I thought I was going to walk past him safely, but he swiped my ankles.
  4. My memory.
    I know this list is kind of Hallmark geriatric jokes but come on, I'm 42 years old. I never though so many basic rules of punctuation and alternate spellings would elude me when they were easy just five years ago.
  5. Dried fruit.
    I wish I'd known it would make me poop three times along a Death Valley marathon trail before eating it.
  6. Whomever mistreated my land lady's small dog
    They set up years of yappy bullshit and gross paw-licking.