THINGS MY BODY HAS DONE WITHOUT MY PERMISH

I am on a non-stop acid trip on a log ride living in my body.
  1. Pooped my shorts twice.
    1st time was on a walk in South Pasadena over a mile from my house. My body let the poop into my rather short shorts. I had to walk home taking the smallest steps and deepest sighs. 2nd time was while furniture shopping, also over a mile from my house. I abruptly realized what was happening and ran out of store, unable to find my gf (who had her own car there). I sped home but sadly released the poop dogs at a red light two blocks from the furniture store. Left a trail from car to my house. Sad.
  2. Peed on my romper after babysitting.
    I was drinking wine with Marcy and got a little drunk. I went to pee and instead of taking off my romper I just pulled the leg over and peed through the leg hole. I sullied the leg hole, and my reputation.
  3. Ongoing random rashes.
    Is it stress or just a cantankerous physicality? I've gotten huge, long-lasting rashes on my butt, shoulder blade, thighs and right now I have a painful, dotted rash on my chest that I'm concerned is skin cancer. Owing to my free medical care I can't get in to have it checked for six weeks.
  4. Thickened in the central area
    What in the hell is this punching bag? I either swallowed a child's bike tire or the evil of estrogen hath wrought its wrath on my central region.
  5. Received cat bites.
    My land lady's ultra-fat man cat who she thinks is a lady came into my home and got my cats all amped up. As they snarled at her, I tried to carry her outside and she bit me very hard. My arm became a hard red rod of pain. I had to go to the free clinic since seeing someone at my reg clinic would have lead to losing an arm. Months later I was bit by a feral kitten I was holding. My gf has pointed out that I get bitten by animals abnormally often, and I'm very good with them.
  6. Farted.
    Daily, many times.