1. Henry VIII: Porn, deep fryer.
    This seems obvious?
  2. Catherine of Aragon: Taylor Swift's discography.
    You're obviously better off without him. Let's get you through this break up.
  3. Marie Antoinette: Atkins Diet book.
    Let's put a positive spin on this bread shortage, girl! "Guys, you obviously shouldn't even want to eat cake..."
  4. All the Founding Fathers: Condoms.
    Nobody wants your syphilis or your illegitimate children.
  5. Abraham Lincoln: All the Harry Potter books.
    Cancel your theater plans tonight, sir. You are not going to want to leave the house until you've finished.