Thanks for Consulting the Help Desk

things I hear as a senior technical advisor for a nice computer company
  1. •
    customer: my computer won't turn on!! OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE me: ok, so what happens when you press the power button? customer: there's a power button?
  2. •
    customer: hold on my mouth is going numb, I feel like a mouse
  3. •
    customer: my 🍏tv isn't working me: is it plugged in to electricity? customer: no, what are you talking about, it doesn't plug in to electricity
  4. •
    customer: I am an Atheist, but I am going to say this 'god bless you for fixing my computer'
  5. •
    me: can I get the serial number for your device? customer: D as in dog, W as in ....water, F as in... uh.. Fuck, 4, 1 ...
  6. •
    customer: I can tell you grew up a real good girl, but I know it didn't stick to now ...
    then he asked me where im from, i said originally phx but i live in la now. he says that the girls from phx are always super hot. then he tells me that he lives in la too. he said thats convenient if he needs some one on one time with me he told me he was gonna try and keep me on the phone until my shift is over cause i have a nice voice he also said I was a true G when I resolved his issue
  7. •
    customer: yeah, I like making videos with my drone here's my YouTube page if you want to check out my drone videos
    you can also watch all the videos of his dobermans too which were honestly pretty tight
  8. •
    customer: I feel like you are using your kid voice, can you just talk normal!?! me: uhhh, this is my normal voice
  9. •
    customer: this never would have happened if STEVE was still alive!!!!!
    I have heard this so many times it's really quite unbelievable, no exaggeration over 50 times. variations include: steve never would have allowed this!!!!!!!! steve would be rolling in his grave right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  10. •
    "you can't replace my out of warranty computer with a brand new one because I'm experiencing a software issue????"
  11. •
    "WHATS UR LAST NAME, I'm gonna make you famous!!!! I'm gonna take a video of me taking a sledge hammer to my computer and I am gonna post it to Facebook and Twitter saying 'TAYLOR M OF 🍏 MADE ME DO THIS!'"
    I don't give out my last name to customers anymore due to creepies finding me on LinkedIn and asking me out on dates.