SOMETHING I'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT

trigger warning: sexual assault, rape
  1. When I say never talked about, I don't mean this is a story that nobody knows, I mean this is the version of the story I have covered up and only recently came to terms with.
  2. When I was 15 I was quite different than I am now, I was an extrovert and hung out with that typical group of "popular" girls. Parties were a weekly event and getting alcohol wasn't a problem.
    My parents trusted that I was making good decisions and so allowed me to hangout with these people. They didn't know how much I was drinking.
  3. However looking back I think I acted the way I did to fit in. I was the last of my friends to have sex, I had glasses and braces and often felt as if boys only talked to me to have an in with my prettier friends.
    Obviously I had some self esteem issues.
  4. This particular night was a Halloween party at a friends house. Her dad was a little sketchy but chill with drinking and parties so we went there quite a bit.
    Being part of the "in group" I was at the house in the afternoon to set up and get ready and pre drink with my friends.
  5. The outfit I chose to wear was similar to everyone else's, but to this day is probably the thing I'm most embarrassed about in my life. It was a pair or black spandex shorts and a white bandeau, that's it.
    With a loofah tied into my underwear and hanging out the back like a bunny tail, also I had white ears.
  6. After the party I made sure anyone who posted pictures on Facebook had my mom and sister blocked.
  7. Before people started arriving that evening I was drunk.
  8. Over the course of the night I would go on to drink two pints of vodka, aka the 375 ml bottles if you don't call them pints. Also equal to a quart.
    I was 15, probably around 5' and less than 100 pounds. I'm lucky I didn't get alcohol poisoning. I've never drank this much since.
  9. As people started arriving my friends made a silly game where we would get points for different levels of hooking up.
    1 point for a kiss, 2 points for making out and so on. 10 points for having sex.
  10. I don't remember much of a party. Just little snip its like kissing a guy who was sitting on the kitchen table and being excited for my first point.
    I remember walking past my friend's dad and his friends who were "chaperoning" and them saying "That's her" and laughing. I remember all of a sudden something hurting and me saying "ow."
  11. Around 4:30am I was awake and felt so so angry, like I never had before. There were a few people just going to bed who laughed at me and told me to get some rest.
    I woke up my best friend and told her I wanted to leave right then, but she said she was still drunk and couldn't drive.
  12. I laid back down but I don't think I slept. We left the next morning, nobody talked much, most people were still asleep and everybody was pretty hungover.
  13. When I got home I had a shower and crawled into my own bed.
  14. I texted my best friend and told her that I couldn't remember what happened last night.
    I never was, and still am not, very good at talking about emotions in person. If I have something like that to talk about I usually write a letter or text
  15. She told me she had gone to bed before me, but that I should message Boy 1 and Boy 2.
    I did (I already had there numbers because they were both friends of mine) and sent the ever so casual "hey did we hook up last night? lol"
  16. Both boys said we had had sex, and neither seemed surprised that I didn't remember.
    I was sitting in my closet as I texted them, I was crying and scared that if my parents came down they would know. If they had come down they probably would have found it weirder that I was sitting on the floor in the closet.
  17. I don't really remember what happened after that. I remember feeling sick to my stomach that whole day. But I don't remember reaching out to any of my friends.
    I was so stressed about going to school the next day and dealing with everything. I didn't know how much people knew, or what they would think.
  18. I don't know what happened that next day at school. But of course everyone knew what had happened. Only the story they told was that I had asked Boy 1 to come upstairs with me, and after that was done I asked him to send up Boy 2.
    Until this reached me, I hadn't even known what order they were in. After school a friend who wasn't at the party came to Wal-Mart with me and purchased a Plan B pill. I had never swallowed a pill before.
  19. I quickly decided my strategy would be to embrace the whole situation and laugh it off.
    This story became something I was known for in high school. An automatic go to for friends while playing Never Have I Ever would be "Never Have I Ever slept with two guys in one night," aimed at me of course.
  20. For months boys would call me "starfish" which I didn't get it until one day a friend told me it was because during the sex I had layed spread out and hadn't moved.
    That hurt a lot.
  21. I told people I was so competitive I just wanted to win the game.
    I knew I wasn't competitive, never had been never will be. But this is a word I constantly used to describe myself whenever the story came up.
  22. When meeting new people my friends would bring up that night saying something thing "Taylor has the wildest story she can tell you" and I would laugh along.
    Though I was never the person to bring it up, when I talked about it I sometimes felt like I was bragging. In a twisted way I was sort of proud of the fact that two different boys thought I was hot enough to sleep with.
  23. Friends and boyfriends would ask what my number was, if I left out those two boys they would remind me.
    Once I said, " If I don't even remember it, there's no proof it actually happened" but everyone just laughed so I joined in.
  24. I clung to that idea for a while, that maybe Boy 1 and Boy 2 were lying, just to make it seem like they had "gotten some" to their friends.
    I convinced myself I was doing them a favour by going along with their lie, and it was like a little secret they let me in on.
  25. The story died down of course, especially after I stopped hanging out with that group of friends the next year.
  26. I've dealt with a lot this past year in terms of mental illness and have started reflecting on what triggers me.
  27. Though I don't believe this had anything to do with my depression or anxiety, it is something that's been on my mind a lot lately.
  28. I feel ok sharing this here because I don't know anybody on this app and because of the community here.
    Also because this is a crazy long and wordy list that likely nobody will read hahaha
  29. I don't blame Boy A and Boy B.
    For all I know they could have been as drunk as I was.
  30. I also don't blame myself, or my outfit.
    Although I do wonder if I had been blackout/ passed out and wearing a hoodie and sweatpants would this have gone the same way?
  31. I don't blame my parents.
    I feel guilty for lying to them about how much drinking was always going on, but they weren't stupid, they knew I was growing up and had to let me make my own mistakes. I also know if they knew about this they would never forgive themselves.
  32. Sometimes I blame the adults at the party.
    But maybe they didn't know what was going on, or didn't know until it was too late.
  33. I think I've come to terms with the whole thing, and though I of course wish it had never happened I feel lucky that I don't have memories of it.
  34. I've spent some time thinking about (and googling) the definition of rape and what it includes. But I've come to the conclusion that if that's how I feel, that's what it was.
    Someday I feel it was; I was not in a state to consent to anything so it was not consensual and therefore rape. However somedays I think about whether or not they were in a state to know what they were doing, and if I was inviting (whether I remember or not) then I sort of was consenting? I try not to dwell on it all too much. It can't be changed.
  35. I'm not telling this story for attention or sympathy, or even for anyone to tell me they're sorry this happened to me. It's not your fault and it's not mine. Its an unfortunate thing that happened and is over.
  36. I'm telling this story for anyone else who feels embarrassed and feels like they have to cover up something like this. I'm telling this story for people like Rehtaeh Parsons, who committed suicide after a similar incident involving multiple boys and photos.
    And for so many people who claimed it wasn't rape because those boys were also drunk and the media saying she wasn't telling the truth. The boys were hardly punished.
  37. I'm also telling this story for myself. Although as I mentioned, I don't know anybody on this app in real life, I feel relief having "shared" this.
  38. This incident is not who I am and I'm thankful for that. I don't know what I'll do next time someone brings it up in conversation, maybe just laugh along and think to myself that it's not worth it. Or maybe I'll say something and shut it down. I don't know.
  39. But what I do know is that if this list makes even one person a little more conscious about sexual assault then I feel like I've made the best of the situation.
  40. And if anyone has actually made it this far without giving up or falling asleep, thank you.
    My apologies for the worst ever Valentines weekend list ever published.