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I can't keep lying to myself anymore.
  1. I, like everyone else that makes less than 100k/year, love to villanize GP
  2. Why you may ask? She just makes it SO EASY with her lifestyle brand, goop.
    Artisanal fresh organic gluten free non gmo hand picked heaven and I right?
  3. She promotes a healthy and balanced lifestyle that's completely unattainable for 99% of Americans.
    Don't fight me I ran the numbers on this.
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Or else you'll have a nasty ghost on your hands.
  1. Womanizer by Britney Spears
    Reserve this song for the moment I am lowered into the earth.
  2. Work by riri
    Can't imagine anything that brings a smile to my face and gets me going more than the thought of riri and Drake getting nasty on the dance floor. I'm assuming everyone else feels the same way so this will be therapeutic, right?
  3. Formation by Beyoncé
    A message to those I leave behind to GET INFORMATION this was an INSIDE JOB. Interview all exes and snakes A S A P.
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Don't argue with me about these they are true and they hold my world together.
  1. Drinking something green instantly counteracts anything you may have eaten that day
    This goes for anything green, be it a $8 smoothie, some water that accidentally gets in your mouth while swimming in a spooky lake, or a boozy shamrock shake (if you're not adding schnapps, learn to fucking live a little. Loser.).
  2. There is no reason good enough to justify saying the term "pap smear".
    Unless you are a gynecologist speaking only to other gynecologists in a sound proof room. This one goes out to my male coworker with a constant post nasal drip induced snort who I heard say these words at work the other day. You filthy animal.
  3. You shouldn't bottle up your emotions, but at the same time if you don't constantly feel like you're going to explode you are doing something wrong.
    If you are like me and have more feelings than any human should have, and often on completely insignificant topics (what is my opinion on the new sugar free coffee creamer? Sit the fuck down Tina because this is not gonna be pretty), you should be constantly teetering on the edge of exploding. If you're not then you're over sharing and no one likes that. This is called ~balance~.
  4. If you do not leave the house at least once everyday you will turn into some old hermit who has many cats and many robes.
    Yeah we would all like to sit at home and watch the next season of Love and Hip Hop, but we can't do that. It starts with a day of leisure, then it transforms into working from home as a telemarketer and adopting kittens to fill the void. And phone work is not as glamorous as it seems, Drake is a liar.
  1. Grown men who play video games.
    Your headphones are ridiculous. Also I hate having you play in the other room while I try to sleep. I'm just trying to fall asleep to my rainforest noise maker and the gun shots and explosions in the other room are giving me dreams about Narcos.
  2. Talking to people about coffee
    I GET IT WE ARE IN SEATTLE.
  3. When your earbuds get yanked out of your ears mid workout and you have to fumble around on the treadmill.
    This one is especially infuriating and even more avoidable. Every time it happens I tell myself that I'm going to get the weird active headphones that wrap around your ears, but then I see them exclusively on dads and decide against it.
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