One Year of List

  1. I arrived here a year ago.
  2. I had something I wanted to say, but I felt like I had nowhere to go to say it. No one to listen. Not one place or person felt safe anymore, for a variety of reasons.
  3. I posted a couple random lists before I shared about my miscarriage. I hadn't spoken about it publicly anywhere else. In fact, I hadn't really told anyone, aside from 2 family members and the man who was involved. It wasn't a decision I spent too much time thinking about. I just spilled my heart out & hit "post."
  4. The general theme of that period in my life was "a lack of control over one's own body." I had left a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship 2 1/2 years before, and I had been diagnosed with PTSD. I spent those years in therapy, and I was just starting to feel centered in my body again when I found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected.
  5. Four days later, I miscarried while I was sitting in a job interview. I got the job, but once again, I had lost the ability to choose what happened to my body. It wasn't up to me. And that felt like a double trauma that I couldn't quite convey to anyone.
    It was never that I wanted to be a mother. I just wanted to be able to make a decision about it either way.
  6. Surprisingly, the first person to like the list was @bjnovak. I was touched by that because I felt incredibly naked and vulnerable after I shared, and I didn't even think anyone would respond. It was both cathartic and terrifying.
  7. But the continual outpouring of support and love that came out of the next few hours was overwhelming. It was the most healing experience for me, someone who felt so alone in her sadness and - dare I say it - grief.
  8. The love I was shown here helped to rewrite the story for me. Instead of feeling alone and misunderstood, I had people who were in my corner. You were all so supportive & warm, I didn't feel isolated anymore.
  9. Since then, I have shared otherwise private things quite openly. My everyday life reflects that shift. I'm an advocate for victims of rape and sexual assault, and for victims of nonconsensual pornography. I work for an activist organization that encourages me to use my voice to create change.
  10. And I do believe that you have all played a tremendous role in my healing process.
  11. Thank you for making me feel seen and heard for the first time in my life. ❤️