Safety Man

I found these odd family photos and I knew that I had to share this absurdity with all of you
  1. My aunt Doris was one of a kind. She purchased houses on the condition that they were haunted because she liked a house with history. She would don any costume if she thought it would get a laugh. Despite her financial privileges, she only shopped at thrift stores & Goodwill.
  2. But my favorite quality about my aunt Doris was her strange, often morbid sense of humor. She liked playing pranks and shocking people as often as she could.
  3. So one regular attendee at our holiday dinners was a dummy that she called Safety Man. My aunt always dressed him up in a wig, polo shirts, nice pants. You'd never know it wasn't a real human sitting there until you saw its face.
  4. On Christmas, Safety Man wore a Santa hat and joined everyone at the dinner table. Here he is at one Christmas Eve dinner with my uncle Alan, who looks completely unfazed:
    (That's my aunt Doris in front of the tree, keeping an eye on the proceedings)
  5. At their next house, we would find Safety Man sitting at the bar or on a couch in the living room. I must admit that walking into a quiet room to find a fully-dressed dummy sitting there, arm stretched around the back of the couch, observing the fireplace was a bit too far into the "uncanny valley" for me.
  6. But what did he do on his off days?
  7. Well, on the rare occasion that my aunt drove alone in her big red van, Safety Man served an important purpose. She would prop him up in the passenger's seat just so she could drive in the carpool lane on the 405. Surprisingly, it always worked.
  8. Sometimes she threw him in the car when she picked the kids up from school, just to fuck with them.
    I don't think she liked kids all that much, but she had six anyway
  9. When my aunt died, Safety Man was gone, too. It wouldn't have been as funny without her smirking in the corner, waiting for someone to pick up on her prank. It brought her such delight.
  10. We still talk about his presence as if he had been an actual living, breathing human because it confuses the hell out of my cousins' children. And I think my aunt would approve of that.
  11. Pictured: Safety Man & my grandpa Frank, who thought this was the greatest thing he had ever seen