Thoughts on Miscarriage and Secrecy
I had a miscarriage less than a month ago, and I feel like this might be a good place to address my feelings about it...
- •I have never wanted children.It has never felt like it was something I was supposed to do, or even something I wanted to do. I saw how many of my friends have always wanted to have kids, and I just don't have that same desire.
- •So it's hard, I'm sure, for people to understand how to support me right now.Hell, it's a little hard for ME to understand. But it's there. All I know is that I feel a loss. It's not cavernous, but it's big enough. I can't explain it further than that. Maybe I'm grieving the loss of control over the entire situation. Maybe I'm just grieving as anyone else would. All I know is that something has shifted.
- •And that is what miscarriage can feel like: a loss of control over what happens in your own body.It's not up to me or you to know why or how that pregnancy didn't work. It just didn't. It wasn't meant to happen at that moment, I suppose. Who knows? Maybe it was for the better.
- •But no one knows how to respond to a person grieving something she didn't even want, right?[Note: I say something because it was so early on that it was barely a clump of cells yet, so it was a thing] Perhaps some questions like, "How can I support you right now?" and "What are you feeling?" would be a good start.
- •I don't want to talk about the situation with "the father"If there were a better word for "complicated," he and I would be that.
- •I don't need another pep talk about how I can get pregnant again when the time is right.Mostly because it's falling on deaf ears.
- •Why do I feel like I can't talk about this openly anywhere?
- •Why is miscarriage something to be spoken of only in hushed tones; something we have to deal with privately?"What if other people hear you expressing sadness or grief or loss? How will that impact them?" - these are the questions I ask myself
- •If you are going - or, you have been - through a miscarriage yourself, all I want you to know is that you are NOT alone. Not even close.Miscarriages happen to many of us. But how would you know this? How would anyone?
- •How could we possibly know anything about miscarriages when we still feel the need to hide the fact that we even had one ourselves?
- •Why is there so much shame and secrecy around that?
- •How come doctors don't provide more information about what can happen to your body for the month after the miscarriage?Everyone from my gynecologist to Planned Parenthood said, "We can't really help you more than we are." Meanwhile, no one warned me about the hormonal crash that can happen after a miscarriage occurs. The forgetfulness, the breakouts, the non-stop crying. I thought I was losing my mind until another woman told me it was all par for the course.
- •The point: there is no shame in suffering a miscarriage. There is no shame in grieving a loss. You're allowed. And you know what you're also allowed to do? Talk about it. Openly and honestly.
- •I'm here if you need me.❤️