Unforgettably bad first dates with some men I would like to forget (but can't).
  1. You spent half of the date talking about the gym and the other half repeatedly asking, "But you think I look good for my age, right?"
    Hitting on the waitress right in front of me was the cherry on top of that shit sundae.
  2. You went off on an awkward and seemingly endless tangent about how much you like the smell and taste of a woman's sweat.
    I was afraid you might wear my skin next.
  3. You asserted that you are polyamorous - something you "recently realized" - because you do not like "when women put time constraints" on your super busy life.
    Please learn what polyamory means. What you just described is "selfishness."
  4. You brought the introduction to your new book on your phone, badgering me until I read it and gave you feedback. Then you reprimanded me for not doing the same: "Here's some advice: you should be more vulnerable on future dates by sharing your writing if your date is kind enough to show his."
    Guess I missed the memo about the brainstorming sesh. By the way, your book was boring.
  5. You claimed that "all straight girls are bi when they're drunk enough" because that's what your ex-wife told you. When I tried to object, you snapped, "Clearly you just can't admit when a man is right. My ex-wife was like that, too."
    I was hoping I was on some sort of prank dating show but, no. That was really you.