YOU MIGHT BE ME IF...

  1. You have been to more funerals than weddings
  2. You have lived in your apartment for a few years and it still looks like you just moved in
  3. You hate when a fellow adult uses asinine nicknames or abbreviations for their body parts (v, vag, peen)
  4. You want Shohreh Aghdashloo to be the navigation voice on your phone's GPS
  5. You love to sing, and you mostly sing the blues
  6. You find podcasts tedious and boring, unless the show's hosts are discussing important social issues like Tom and Katie's dumpster fire of a relationship or anything else that happened on the last episode of Vanderpump Rules
  7. You view your life as BF and AF - before Foucault and after Foucault
  8. All of your anxiety, tension, and stress dissipates as soon as you can see the ocean
  9. Your favorite college professor still calls you "the soul hippie" because he thinks you've been "catapulted out of 1967 to exist here in the present day" and he knows you love soul
  10. You cry every time you throw up
  11. You hate confrontation, but you'll happily confront people for things like slut-shaming, transphobia, sexism, racism, and/or being anti-sex work
    You'll gladly stand up for everyone else, however, these issues get you particularly riled up
  12. You once had dreams of starting your own record label & you have the business plan to prove it
  13. You have a thing for the Trivago guy
  14. You'll turn off a movie if an animal gets hurt, but you read true crime and watch more Investigation Discovery than anyone you know
  15. People can't decide if they love your authenticity or if it scares the shit out of them
  16. Sometimes you drink wine straight from the bottle (okay fine, you do this often)
  17. You brought in a photo of Sydney Andrews to your hairdresser as inspiration when you dyed your hair red, and he asked if you realized that it was not 1994 anymore
    This is a true story @HisDudeness
  18. You are ready to connect and let all of your walls down, but you keep picking the most emotionally unavailable men to do that with
  19. Libraries and bookstores are your churches
  20. You'd walk around barefoot all the time if you thought you could safely avoid tetanus because you really hate shoes
  21. You read Dorothy Parker, Anne Sexton & Edna St. Vincent Millay poetry when you need to feel centered again
  22. Your quote in your sixth grade yearbook was: "It's always somethin'" - Roseanne Roseannadanna
  23. You curse like a sailor and you blame it on your Sicilian grandfather
  24. Your most prized possession is the Sept. 11, 1970 issue of Life magazine with Angela Y. Davis on the cover
  25. You are counting down the days until the Film Noir Festival at the Aero
  26. Your first shot was Jägermeister, and that's why you don't do shots anymore
  27. You died and went to heaven, and now you want the world to know that heaven is real and it looks like this: