GIRL, SAW YOUR PIC, READ YOUR BIO, IMAGINED OUR LIVES TOGETHER...THEN SWIPED LEFT & HERE'S WHY!
"No, it's not you! I promise. It's me...not wanting to be with someone that's anything like you. Oh, also, I have PTSD re: relationships so I'm out for the count for a little." Here's a glimpse at how I approach the mere idea of dating...
- •Living for your styleYou have great style and I think you'd expect me to keep up, and I just can't. When I wear something trendy it doesn't look trendy on me. It looks factual. If I wear an otherwise "hip" felt hat, I look like I'm trying to sell you a ticket for a ride on my horse & buggie. If I wear hip overalls from Madewell, I look like I own and operate a local farm. You get the picture. Goodbye forever.
- •Those ear thingsAll about you expressing yourself girl, but I've always wondered what happens to those ear gap things when you take out the ring, and quite honestly, not interested in finding out first hand. But wear them proudly and maybe you'll find a partner who yearns to store their circular knick knacks in there!
- •You're in a bandI'm the worst liar ever. If I go to your gig and hate your band I will tell you "I liked the size of your amp," when you ask me if I liked the show. I'm a supporter, generally, so in order to remain one I gotta stay away. Also, I think I hate the word "gig."
- •You're not from here, where is this relationship going?I'm all about traveling and hitting up tinder for a booty call but I have a sneaky suspicion that you're using me for a place to stay. Also who is that other girl? Are you two traveling together? Do I have to host both of you? I don't have AC, or enough towels, I'm so sorry.
- •You have huge gold crosses for earringsYou and your religious beliefs are A+ but as someone who got stopped at customs in Israel 4 times one summer (for being mistaken as an Israeli who hadn't yet served in the army because my full name is so incredibly Israeli/Jewish) I wouldn't want to further elongate any trips we may take to the mother land. What I'm saying is I think it's best for both of us if I stay away. Also, Sukkot > Halloween and I don't want to have to explain why.
- •4 of your 5 pics were taken at festivalsMy living nightmare is being at a festival or worse, being asked seriously if I'll go to one. You love them and I love that about you. For you, and your life. Without me. Just you.
- •Those shoes remind me of the time I wore similar ones and almost broke my faceThe reign of the Spice Girls was special for most of us. I get that. But at a SG theme party in 5th grade I wore those and fell into a pool in front of all my classmates. That's the end of the story. I don't wanna hang out with you and get PTSD and I don't want to tell you to dress differently so it's just better off this way.
- •Your onesie is really freaking coolI'd be intimidated to compete with someone who looks that freaking cool in a onesie. Not that dating is a competition but the fact that I felt that competitive fury instantly is unhealthy, so I'll just move right along.
- •Comments read "Twins👯"I've dated a twin before. It's not fun. Hate to lump all twins into the undateable pile but I must.
- •Your profile featured this picture 3 timesYou're beautiful but I also don't think you're real. 3 times? Out of 4? Be better at Catifshing, girlfriend.
- •You're in a football jerseyWhich means you're probably a huge football fan. I mean, your first pic was you in a jersey so I assume that's what you want to project to the world, right? The only football I can really get down with is "Friday Night Lights." If you want to go to a friends house to watch games, or host a football watching party, or do some sort of fantasy league of whatever, I'm probably going to want to blow my brains out. Not to be dramatic. FNL though? I'm v down.
- •It's not me, it's your nameThis being your only picture is the second most upsetting thing about you. The first being the fact that your name and my ex's are the same. Dating her was like dating a child and breaking up with her was like breaking up with a child so I assume you will be the same because all people with the same name act the same. Factual.
- •You wrote "I'm not funny," as your very first line of your bioI honest to god don't think you meant this sarcastically. It seemed like it was written as a true warning that had proved itself problematic in the past. And I get that. Thank you for your honesty, but my last GF legit didn't know who Amy Poehler was and her favorite show was Tosh.0 sooooo...not going down this road again. NOT A-FUCKING-GAIN, girl.
- •You're "looking for friends"WHY DO PEOPLE USE TINDER AS A SOURCE FOR "FRIENDSHIP?" DO YOU ONLY SWIPE RIGHT ON HOT PEOPLE...TO BE YOUR FRIENDS!? WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT YOUR EGO THAT YOU ONLY SEEK HOT FRIENDS!!? GO TO A FUCKING BAR AND BUY A REAL LIVE PERSON A BEER, BRO.
- •Your only line in your bio read, "personal hero: Missy Elliott" and I dig that so hard. Too hard.I think we'd get along too well. Can't have that.
- •Another name recognition problem, but for a different reasonWhen I went to school in CT there was a salon with a sign that said "Bri-Elle, A Salon" and it was the best sign/store I've ever seen. I think you might be her and I wouldn't want to take time away from the best looking Salon Middletown has to offer.
- •This must be a mistake.In this case, it's not me boy, it's very much you.