A letter from non-Saint Ted to the Keurig
  1. Coffee is patient, coffee is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not decaffeinated.
  2. It does not dishonor others, unless those others are tea, in which case it's like "Come at me, dog."
  3. Coffee does not delight in grounds but rejoices with refills.
  4. It always brews, always gets cold, always heats back up, always keeps you regular.