Blank as Blank/Blanker Than Blank

I'm originally from Connecticut but I have been living in Georgia for 25 years. I slip in and out of a southern accent depending on the situation but I use southern similes every chance I get. Here is a list of my favorites, bless my heart.
  1. I am as full as a tick.
  2. She is as drunk as Cooter Brown.
  3. He is as useless as balls on a dildo.
  4. I am hotter than a whore in church.
  5. She looks more tired than a hooker on nickel night.
  6. He is finer than a frog hair split four ways.
  7. I am busier than a one armed paper hanger.
  8. She is as fucked up as a football bat.
  9. He is as fucked up as a box full of coat hangers.
  10. She is ugly as a dented can of Spam.