Fuck you, the beach

I am at the beach with my daughter and in-laws for a quick vacation before school starts back. This was their idea and I am having fun, despite all the kvetching I am about to spew forth. For the life of me, I cannot comprehend why anyone would voluntarily want to spend time at the beach. Let's break it down.
  1. My current situation
    Looks beautiful, doesn't it? Suck it.
  2. Heat
    I live in Georgia. The temperature has been in the triple digits at least 6 days a week for the past month. I fantasize about living in a series of interconnected underground air conditioned tunnels so I never have to see the light of day. The last goddamned thing I want to do is drive for 5 hours to sit outside and get even hotter than I am at home.
  3. Sun
    We spend our whole lives talking about cancer and how to prevent it. However, it is apparently acceptable for hordes of people to decide to fry in the sun and beg for melanoma.
  4. Sand
    It doesn't matter how careful I try to be, I always end up with sand in every crease and crevasse. I like things in my vagina as much as the next girl, but I draw the line at sand.
  5. Salt water
    Abso-fucking-lutely disgusting.
  6. Ocean
    Water covers approximately 70% of the earth's surface. We haven't discovered all of Cthulhu's spawn that reside in the deep, dark waters. I mean, check out this Ed Asner looking mofo. Nope.
  7. Assholes
    Huey Lewis and the News notwithstanding, beach goers are generally a pack of fuckwits. Families with bratty kids, horny teenagers strutting about, drunk rednecks screaming for no reason...I hate them all.