Things I Would Use Presidential Power For

The time before my impeachment would be very fruitful for us all. But especially for me.
  1. Binge on Area 51 secrets.
    This is the only reason I would even consider presidency in the first place.
  2. Smoke a joint with Putin and watch Fly Away Home
    The threat to global security that Putin poses is not something to joke about. I'm just saying, let's explore *all* our options.
  3. Moratorium on superhero movies.
    Let's just take a break, ok?
  4. Bust the shit out of Wall Street, and then send Secret Service agents to bars in New York to film bros crying.
    Laugh lots and then set up public screenings at the White House.
  5. End gerrymandering
  6. Many more holidays.
    Michelle Pfeiffer Day. Nora Ephron Day. A holiday for AIDS remembrance. A national holiday for POC only, where just white kids have to go to school.
  7. Reparations
    Back me up Ta-Nehisi Coates.
  8. Play hardball with Netanyahu.
    Clean up your settler problem and stop bombing schools in the Gaza Strip, what is the matter with you???
  9. Play softball with the cast of A League Of Their Own.
  10. Ban the death penalty.
    Can't believe this is still a thing.
  11. Public school funding
    Can't believe this is not a thing????
  12. Dates with Drake.
  13. Release the entire archive on the "Who shot JFK?" Investigation
    Suggested by   @ChrisK
  14. Upon my inevitable impeachment, release hot White House secrets ala Edward Snowden
    Eddie wishes he had this kind of access.